If you can’t kill the flame, at least be cautious

By Bryan McKenzie

Published: June 29, 2008

Hey, you! Touching that flaming butane torch to that battery of bottle rockets is not only unsafe, it’s illegal.

That’s right, the commonwealth has crimped your right to set your house on fire, blow off your fingertips and temporarily blind the hamster with restrictive laws that prevent you from touching off fireworks.

“Illegal fireworks” means any independence celebratory enhancer that flies, flees, rolls, scoots, soars, pops, reports or rockets skyward, outward or anywhere elseward. Heck, virtually all fireworks are illegal in the city of Charlottesville. Even striking a match and tossing it in the air may be illegal, as well as unsafe.

But ...

But being as many closeted pyrotechnical miscreants will no doubt play with fire regardless of duly promulgated laws, please abide by these safety tips (adapted from a list provided by Albemarle County officials).

Always read and follow label directions. No, directions are not there to limit your fun.

Always have a responsible adult present. If you have a trunk for illegal exploders, you are not a responsible adult.

Buy fireworks from reliable vendors. A guy named Freddie Firecracker selling out of the back of his van is not reliable.

Use fireworks outdoors only. Do not think that your spouse’s desire for new furniture will get you off the hook.

Always have water handy with a garden hose and a bucket; beer does not count.

Never experiment or make your own fireworks. I know some of you guys will have great difficulty with this one.

Light only one firework at a time — and that doesn’t mean twisting 20 fuses together.

Never relight a “dud” firework. Wait 15 to 20 minutes, then soak it in a bucket of water, otherwise you may be soaking your hand in a bucket of water.

A few more warnings

Never give fireworks to small children, unless you really dislike them.

Dispose of fireworks properly by soaking them in water and then disposing of them. Do not dump unsoaked bricks of firecrackers into a flaming burning barrel: Don’t ask how I know this.

Never throw or point fireworks at other people, unless they really deserve it.

Never carry fireworks in your pocket. If you do, you deserve whatever happens.

Never shoot fireworks in metal or glass containers, even if it does make a cool noise.

Always wear eye and ear protection when igniting fireworks and never hold any part of the body over a firework, at least not your body part.

Finally, never use illegal fireworks or explosives. If Johnny Law shows up at your door in his Blue Light Special, you can’t say I didn’t warn you.