Middle Age Man takes adventure in cooking

By Bryan McKenzie

Published: November 24, 2008

Good morning and welcome to our special holiday episode of “Guys In Danger: Guys in the Kitchen.”

Today we’re watching Middle Age Man make cheesy mashed potatoes, a delicious side dish to a traditional Thanksgiving dinner and one fully within the capabilities of even the most average of guys.

First, understand that the kitchen’s sharp blades and sources of heat are second only to the garage’s whirling-blade-topped power tools as easy ways to tenderize the inattentive. With that in mind, grab some taters out of the refrigerator and the potato peeler from the gadget drawer.

Dangerous gizmos?

No, that’s a corkscrew. That’s the can opener. That’s a tea ball, fool. You want the straight-handled gizmo that looks like a hollow-bladed knife with the sharp edges on the inside. Yes, that’s it. No, it’s perfectly safe, trust me.

Now, wash off all of the spud scuzz — that’s a technical term — grasp the tuber in your left hand, place the peeler on top and stroke the blades across the potato. That’s it, firm, quick strokes. See how the skin peels off in a fine layer?

Be sure to hold the potato firmly and don’t let it move around in your hand or you may jam that peeler into the tip of your finger and … Yow, that’s going to leave a mark.

Geez, who would have believed that a fingertip could bleed that much?

OK, let’s observe the proper culinary method of pain reduction as our subject dances about in a fevered two-step while shamanistcally chanting monosyllabic words that express, in their simplicity, shock, awe and tingling nerve endings.

That’s a truly stunning performance, the likes of which have not been seen since Cousin Butch dropped a bowling ball on his foot during the New Year’s Roll-In in 1982.

All right, put a Band-Aid on it. Let’s get back to cutting the potatoes into chunks and boiling them until soft. While they cook, measure out a half-cup of milk, chop up three garlic cloves and shred a cup of sharp cheddar cheese.

Be careful with the cheese grater as it is indiscriminate about what it shreds and … You know, it’s a fine line between unwitting and witless and I do believe our subject has just crossed it.

Return to roots

As Middle Age Man returns to his shamanist roots, let me just say that cheese graters are precisely why God gave us more than one layer of skin, although it is quite likely that six layers would not have been enough, judging by the gaping wound on that thumb knuckle.

Hey, tighten up, Bud. Be a man. Simply continue through the process, mixing and smashing and combining while replacing bandages every 10 minutes. Just like painters and novelists, culinary artists must also suffer for their art.

Sure, it hurts, but look on the bright side. Think of how sweet those potatoes will taste because you really put yourself into it.