As the University of Virginia prepares to hire a new leader, I am honored and humbled to offer my name for consideration.
Like the Board of Visitors, I understand that a president does not simply have to be “popular” or have people think that he or she is doing a “good job.” Rather, the president’s role must be to carry out the secretive and opaque decisions from an appointed body of the governor’s closest political donors. Where I come from, that’s called leadership.
As the university’s leader, I would pledge to obey the Board of Visitors’ commands every minute of every day. When the rector says, “Jump,” I will say, “On whom?”
Like all members of the board, I have absolutely no experience with running an academic enterprise. I do, however, have several good ideas for how to transform the services that the university provides. For example, in my first year, I will abolish the Student Health Center. All first years will receive a pair of crutches, three pregnancy tests and a self-administered flu shot. This should cover 99 percent of ailments while saving the university millions of dollars.
I also understand that under the outgoing president, the Board of Visitors was concerned that the university has not been moving rapidly enough toward online education. I could not agree more. That is why under a Karlik presidency, all classes will occur online. Not only will this save an immense amount of money, but we can take the valuable on-Grounds real estate — currently occupied by low-yield investments like desks and chalkboards — and sell it to the private sector. With my strategic plan to bring a Wal-Mart into the Chemistry Building and department stores into Gilmer Hall, I will turn the University of Virginia into the most profitable enterprise in the history of the commonwealth.
For our children.
To achieve this vision, I will need the community’s help. Please contact the rector of the Board of Visitors, Helen Dragas. Tell her, “I support Michael Karlik for president. Because transformational, expeditionary leadership requires effective, prioritized and achievable buzzwords.”